The Way I Write

I have come to an important realization. I started this blog in an effort to vent my emotional frustrations born out of reading the news or every day events that make me cringe with emotional pain. The idea is a good exercise for me, a dyslexic who learns everything intuitively and more poignantly learns everything emotionally.  

My moods swing as a result external emotional stimuli which triggers my complicated brain mechanism. Complicated not necessarily superior but capable of performing in unique ways that others cannot.

My emotions are intense and I try to keep them at bay as best I can. But under such constant emotional pressure I need to vent it somehow or ells I will pay for it dearly with physical illness. I am a nonviolent person, I would like to think of myself as a pacifist and for the most part I am.

So writing was the obvious choice for many reasons. It would help me improve my writing skills which I depend upon a lot, and it would allow me to find a way to communicate my thoughts and ideas better since I have such a hard time doing it verbally that I am fed up of being miscomprehended most of the time. My perspective is usually so strange that no one quit gets it until after some time when they get to the same conclusions i have but which i had a hard time explaining coherently. 

Even at work they call me the mar man because of my strange ideas and advice which at first are dismissed until something happens that makes them realize my idea was not so farfetched after all. 

More than anything, writing would help me vent all those emotions that i keep under lock and key. 

Wonderful idea. Except for one problem. I have fallen into what I call the bureaucrat trap, where I am spending more time writing things in a method that would be more likely to be understood by someone else. 

This little realization has prompted me to remember that I am not like this. That I am expressing my self the wrong way. Well using the wrong method at least. 

Describing the process of a brain that functions emotionally is difficult. Describing an emotional thought is just as difficult if not more. I use the tools at my disposal, news articles, research, and citations, all of which I generally refer to as clutter when I write. I use them to describe how i feel about specific issues. 

But this method defeats some of the purposes behind the reasons for writing. It takes away from my essence because I am too focused on getting it all right and in format. This is not me. I write emotionally, connected rather than detached from the subject. What i have been writing is charged but missing the point.

But nothing goes to waste. Something good is always learned from a perceived mistake. Now, I have to set onto an effort that would shift me back to my more serene form of writing and not worry whether any one will connect with it or even like it.

My emotional thoughts need to come out more as myself.