Denial is not a river in Egypt. That much I know. But denial of self is one aspect being dyslexic that does hinder my progress. Being dyslexic means having a super ability to overcompensate for what we perceive to be our weakness. Perceived, because we are more aware of the mistakes that we make than the casual observer would see. Being Dyslexic means that I can do multiple things at the same time and accomplish more than my pears could ever dream of achieving in a short span of time. Yet we never recognize this as strength. For us dyslexics, this is no more than our compensation mechanism kicking in because we feel inadequate.
The other day I was talking to a college, I was feeling blue, worthless, and useless… you name it. I was blaming myself for being too stagnant and having not achieved much in life. My good friend gave me a dirty look followed with a scalding “what do you mean you have nothing to show for yourself? Did you forget all the things you have already done?” the harshness of his words hit me hard like a brick wall. And then I remembered who I was and what I had done. I am a dyslexic, yet I read more than the average non-dyslexic, as a matter of fact I have read a total of fourteen books in the last 4 month, and well over 200 articles in that same time span. Yet I feel inadequate. I am dyslexic, yet people keep encouraging me to write and even become a writer because they feel my writing is that good. Yet I do not recognize my work as good.
The first thought that usual comes to mind when someone gives me positive feedback is that that they are just being nice to me, knowing that I am dyslexic. Besides, family and friends almost always encourage us in this manner. So decided to get the opinion of a professional who has no knowledge of my existence, I sent in one of my least favorite short screen plays for analysis by a profession, I was expecting to be told it was garbage. Instead, I was told how good the script was and that the only thing that counted against me was my spelling for which I got an 8 over 10 mark. But what blew my mind away was when he said that my script was good enough for commercial distribution!?! I didn’t think so!?!
I am told that I am my worst critic. But I do have my reasons for that. As a dyslexic my brain works much faster than the average non dyslexic, my problem is not that my brain is slow, but rather that it is too fast. Faster than my consciousness can handle. My consciousness is a bottleneck. I can never write with the intensity of the words that I see clearly in my head. In a split second I can mentally write a magnum opus but somehow I can never get it down on paper the way it is in my head. I wish I had a computer-brain interface to assist me with that but such technology is decades away from practical use, so I must find myself a more conventional method of achieving this. but the question remains the same; am I really a good writer?
I don’t know. What I do know is that I brought down the administration of a university with my writing. What I do know is that I have touched many people with the passion of my writing. Do these things qualify me as a good writer? I really do not know.
Again and again people praise me for my accomplishments and tell me that I am worth the effort of 10 people. On the day of my graduation from high school the principle spent 10 minutes talking about my achievements; I co-founded the environment club and the astronomy club, I had multiple roles in the journalism club from layout design to photography to photo lab technician to resident computer expert to columnist, I had an active role with community service club, I had a role to play with the drama club as both an actor and a light designer, and with all that I still managed an above average GPA. The principle talked for 10 minutes about me without mentioning my name, yet everyone gathered, from my peers to the teachers and to the parents, knew who she was talking about before she even got started. When she finally said my name I was somewhat stunned when I was presented with an award. I accepted it graciously and went back silently to my seat.
Many years have passed since that day, more than a decade actually. During this time I grew to be the person that I am. The person everyone comes to when they have filmmaking problems, technical problems, and creative problems. I would find solutions to all those problems. Some of my friends envy me for the things I have done; fencing, archery, classical ballet, piano, sky diving and more. My friends are always surprised by the depth of my knowledge of things. Even when I meet people from different cultures they are pleasantly surprised that I know almost as much as them, if not more, about their own culture, politics and traditions. Every place I worked, people looked to me as a leader and a source of information and authority, even when I never held a position to ever merit such a title. People have a high regard for my achievements and abilities. People think very highly of me. People believe that I have accomplished more than the average person would. Great! Can they also please tell me how I can believe all this for myself? Can someone tell me how I can stop feeling so inadequate about myself? Do I really merit all that praise? Why can’t I see my own worth and merit?
It is the dyslexics lot to constantly second guess himself because although we can achieve more than the average non-dyslexic person, we are more than aware that the amount of mistakes that we make are also far more than those of the average non-dyslexic person. So where does this leave me? I should remind myself that giving up is not an option and I must persistently keep on trying to be the best that I can. Otherwise my own denials about myself would become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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